untitled
I've always had this feeling, but these days I don't know if the feeling is "true" or if I just hated being told what to do, especially since the order is to lower my position to fit in. But no matter how much it would make my life easier, or even if it was the right thing to do, I can't bring myself to change my thoughts. I can settle, and I might have to, but I don't know if this will ever go away.
As for the physical aspects, I don't mind having these things, but I would prefer having the other thing. I would like the benefit of being stronger, as well as that other thing. A lot of my desire is centered around that other thing, honestly, but it would be indecent to discuss.
This is another detail that makes me feel that my desire may be invalid, but what I want most is to be viewed neutrally. This is why I can't go with the third option; it doesn't award neutrality.
I don't like the traditions of the group I am currently in, but, hypocritically, I hate the traditions of the group I wish to be in even more. In some ways, it's not so much that I want to be a part of that group, it's only that I wish to be outside of the group that I am in. Look at me differently, in the way that you would for someone else, that's all I want.
I often wonder, if I had been born the way I want to be, would I be happy? Because the answer is that I would probably be in the same state that I am now, just from the other direction.
It will take a lot of time until I can act in any capacity, and even then, I can't fully pursue it out of my sense of duty. And that's why I'm envious of others.